5 Mistakes Not To Make as a Holiday Guest

(Satire)

You have been anxiously awaiting the holiday celebrations – the parties, the get-togethers. Now is your time to shine! Now you can let everyone know what has been going on in your life and what your year has been like. With a little practice and preparation, you can pull off a good show. You too can become an expert at being the guest no one wants to invite back again. Really, there are some very simple rules to follow.

Rule Number One

Always arrive late, make a grand entrance, and talk loudly to make sure everyone knows you have arrived. Seriously, just monopolize your entrance. Expect the host to hang up your coat (stand there until the host offers to do so) and of, course, just walk right in with your outdoor shoes on. Go right on in and announce that you have arrived, so the party can begin (after all, that is what everyone was waiting for, weren’t they?) Just hand over your platter of food that you brought to the hostess (with a “here, take this, will you.”) and head off to the group of guests. Don’t bother offering the hostess any help.

Rule Number Two

Be the center of attention. Don’t give anyone the chance to get a word in edgewise. Why should they interrupt your running narrative about yourself and all your super funny stories? They can save the questions until after you are done, right?  Be the one with the best jokes to tell and don’t worry too much if they are sexist, or in any way inappropriate. I mean. the others will understand and overlook these details, won’t they? Remember that when others are talking, you can always interject with something to say that is funnier or more interesting. After all, you are wittier, have more things to say and are just generally a more interesting person.

Rule Number Three

While you are at it, being the center of attention, you can also be the one who knows everything, is good at everything and has done everything. Of course, the food is tasteless and generally badly cooked in your qualified opinion. You could certainly have done better. Please, by all means, let the hostess and any others who have contributed food know about their failings. Give them some of your expert advice on how to do it better next time. You certainly will have people talking about you then. Be sure to let everyone know what a masterpiece you have brought as a contribution and about how it took you three days to prepare it to perfection.

Rule Number Four

Be the ultimate gift-giver who outshines everyone. Let others know how you were able to find just the right gift for each person and how you are master at finding sales and wrangling deals. Comment on the gifts others have given and about how you could have found that at a really good price. Alternately, you could talk about how expensive yours was but “you were worth it”.  Yes, definitely make the others feel inadequate. Add-in, for good measure, about how you have a similar item but it is so much better. Make a big show when your gifts are being given. Let people know in an elaborate way that you had to go out of your way to find this most extraordinary gift. It is simply amazing!

Rule Number Five

Absolutely do not offer to help with anything. Keep your position as the center of attention and make sure everyone is listening to you instead of helping out. Why should you help clear away plates or clean up? It’s not your house and you’re a guest, right? Let all the women (if you are a guy) do the cleaning. That’s what women are for, right? Just keep on with the jokes and entertainment. Nope, it is not your job to help out in any way. And, as you are leaving (and the others are helping out), just give the hosts a jovial goodbye and let them know how much you enjoyed yourself and add a “let’s do this again, next year” passing comment.

So, if you practice hard, plan well and adhere to these five guidelines, you will definitely be remembered by all. People will certainly remember you next time they are planning a get-together and might “neglect” to put you on the guest list. You will have had your show and been in the spotlight, so no worries, right?

Have a great day!

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Diana Lynne’s passions are family, travel, self-improvement, pursuing a debt-free/financially free life. She also loves hanging out with family, friends and being with her dog Skye. Diana is a Quebec City girl. who loves living life.  You can connect with her through Livingandstuff.ca